A Square Peg!

How times change. Just over five years ago I went through a really bad time. Depression grabbed hold and refused to let go. I had this awful feeling that were I to disappear off the face of the earth, I felt sure not many people would know I had departed. I have always hated loneliness. When I was very young I was also very lonely and it was a period I have blocked from my mind. At the time of my depression I was again lonely. It is a horrible situation.

I would look at other people and wonder what they managed to do what I couldn’t. Having lots of friends and family who liked them, loved them even. The people that I knew who may have helped, but I didn’t want to bother them. They were getting on, they had a life, and I felt they may offer help because I had placed my pathetic self in front of them giving them no option. It was a pretty desperate situation and one I didn’t totally understand. I was almost jealous of everyone who managed to be normal – and liked – and wondered why other people turned their backs. What had I done that was so bad?

It was possibly one of the worst times of my life. Depression is such an awful thing and mine arrived after my third divorce, and my inability to “fit in” as others seemed to do so easily. I’m afraid I was the proverbial square peg in the round hole. If you’ve ever been there you will know what I mean.

I lost a lot of friends, some I thought were more than they eventually proved to be. Some family also turned away, which hurt even more. But some, very few, stayed all through. They took the crap that I dished out with my moods, yet still came back. While I was telling them that I don’t need them they told me they loved me. I didn’t believe them. I wanted them to leave me alone but they refused to go! They prevented me from realising that there was only one option left open to me. And then I met Lynn who took me for whatever I was and demanded nothing of me. I decided I owed all of these people far more than my grumpiness, I owed them the loyalty they had given me.

Let’s move right up to date. Today I was told I didn’t have cancer after the consultant had previously told me that it could be a possibility. Many, many people were waiting on this result, and were all supporting me. Now there was the possibility I could die, I wanted nothing to do with it. Once I told these people I did not have cancer all the wonderful messages came flooding in. Such kind and wonderful messages, similar to the ones they had sent me before I left for the hospital. Many of them said they loved me. People who were not related to me. This never used to happen to me. People didn’t love me.

The confidence these friends, some old and many new, gave me was immense. I found in myself a confidence I had never had before. For the first time in years I became me, and realised that I quite liked me. These people accepted everything about me, laughed with me, laughed at me, and also said some wonderful things I had never heard before. It was a whole new world, one I thought I never belonged to. I began giving these feelings back to everyone I could, those who needed help, those who needed advice, those I wanted to say honest lovely things to that made them feel nice. I began to genuinely love people and every time I gave something out I seemed to get twice as much back.

I don’t recognise myself. A few years earlier I was permanently under a massive dark cloud, totally unable to push it away. I understand depression so much now and realise how hard it is to break away once it takes a grip. It has, hopefully, made me more compassionate. But I also realised that if someone I loved had it I would need to stick in there to help, no matter what they said, they did, or didn’t do. But now that dark cloud has gone. The air is fresh, and bright. There are still opportunities out there I want to explore. I want to help so many people now and to those reading this blog it is an open invitation that should you ever need help, I am here.

I feel sad that I lost people along the way. Those who refused to understand. Those who saw me as an annoying loser interfering with their lives. Those who never really thought of me the way they said they did. Those people who never considered depression an illness, more an annoyance. Those who tired of me! I lost them, and that saddens me. And worse still, they may possibly like me again if they took the time, but they still remember those times and refuse to look to the present or future, only remembering the past!

But many of those reading this will be my new friends, and family, and those old one’s who refused to give up on me. I am very grateful to you all. You know who you all are. My wife, my son and daughter and granddaughter, my niece Karen, my half siblings, my new in-laws, my few friends from years ago, those who went through my depression with me, those I have met since who have become a big part of my life and become a part of my existence. All of you who have said, and done, such wonderful things and who have, for the first time, made me feel really special.

It is really good to be alive!!! av <href=”https://oldmoaner52.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/img_00001430_edit.jpg”&gt;